The Tenth Circle of Hell - A Satire
An update of the Onion's 1998 satirical article on Hell opening a 10th circle
My favourite Onion article of all time is one from when I was a teenager - Tenth Circle Added to Rapidly Growing Hell - originally published on 23 September 1998.
The article’s title is quite descriptive of what the article satirically covers - Hell expanding to including a tenth circle of Hell, given the lack of appropriate punishments for myriads of people that the Dante’s model of Hell didn’t account for, as well as the fact that, given it being authored in the later 1990s, it makes a series of references that are no longer apt. Two of the most egregious anachronisms, IMHO, are:
Clinton-era political references (most of which seem purely quaint given the fact that these days, there are much worse offenders that Clinton et al. were the harbingers for the motley crew of shameless scoundrels in office in recent years).
Blockbuster - deader than an engineering grad student’s dating life.
Thinking about all of this after seeing the original article shared recently on The Onion’s Facebook page, I decided to try to write a version updated for the last quater-century plus.
So, without further ado…I bring you my attempt at an re-vamped version:
Tenth Circle Added To Rapidly Growing Hell
Hell Officials Cite Overpopulation, Need for More Modern Torment Options
CITY OF DIS, NETHER HELL - In an earnest attempt to keep pace with the ever-growing influx of sinners and to accommodate a rapidly diversifying range of damnable offenses, Satan himself announced that Hell has officially expanded to include a Tenth Circle, a project that took roughly a decade to complete at a cost of roughly 750 million souls as well as Hell off-loading some of its prized assets, sold to Silicon Valley so that they can develop new mixed-use developments for their employees.
“We simply ran out of space,” said Beelzebub, Chair of Hell’s Infernal Planning Commission, discussing the expansion at a recent press conference held inside Mount Etna. “With record-high levels of sinning, particularly in tech, finance, and social media, we had no choice but to expand. Frankly, even we were unprepared for the sheer volume of reprobates and other scumbags redefining evil that are arriving daily.”
According to official documents obtained by the Vatican News Service, the new Tenth Circle - Hell’s first major expansion in over 700 years - will serve as an eternal punishment zone for a variety of modern-day sinners, including crypto scammers, AI grifters, and those who think that “hustle culture” is an actual personality.
Who’s Being Banished to the Tenth Circle?
Luqor the Plague-Bringer, executive director of the Satanic Curia, confirmed that the Tenth Circle has been “carefully curated” to house some of the most egregious offenders of the 21st century, designed to drive the residents of the Tenth Circle mad as a hatter yet cause them to be aware of their tortures - such as:
Tech CEOs & AI Overlords – Those responsible for releasing barely-functioning AI, causing mass layoffs, and then falsely feigning concern about “misuse” of AI technologies. Residents are doomed to listen to their own TED Talks on loop for eternity.
Crypto Bros & NFT Enthusiasts – Con artists who convinced thousands to invest in monkey JPEGs now reside here, forced to spend eternity in a digital metaverse that crashes every 10 minutes.
Influencers Who Fake Activism – Anyone who posted a black square during a crisis and then did nothing else. They are now stuck in an infinite cycle of virtue-signaling posts, where no one ever likes or shares.
People Who Say ‘Let’s Circle Back’ in Meetings – These sinners must sit through a never-ending Zoom call where their mic never works, the PowerPoint won’t load, and the meeting could have been an email.
Corporate Executives Who Call Layoffs ‘Difficult Decisions’ – Forced to endlessly draft mass-layoff emails, only to receive “per my last email” responses from demons.
Building Hell’s Newest Expansion
The development of the Tenth Circle was not without its bureaucratic setbacks. The Hell Expansion Subcommittee reportedly spent months arguing over budget constraints, zoning restrictions, and whether to prioritise constructing new lakes of fire or just adding more DMV-like waiting rooms. Gozrath, Director of the Project Management Office for the Tenth Circle expansion sent two of the dissenters to Purgatory just to keep the scope-creep to a minimum.
“We’re struggling to keep up with demand,” admitted one high-ranking demon speaking on background (in order to discuss the issue frankly), citing overpopulation concerns. “For many centuries, Hell had a fairly steady intake of normally corrupt politicians, warmongers, and people who talk during movies. But now we’re getting an influx of YouTube pranksters, Instagram life coaches, and guys who still think Elon Musk is a genius. It’s overwhelming and the tortures we had were not at all appropriate for their level of depravity.”
Even Satan himself addressed the crisis. “It used to be that the worst sinners were warlords and murderers,” the Dark Lord said. “Now? I’ve got an entire sub-circle dedicated to people who think they’re ‘grinding’ because they wake up at 04h00 to tweet ‘no excuses.’”
Modern Punishments for Modern Sinners
Hell’s new circle has been designed with state-of-the-art torments that reflect the worst of modern, Information Age society:
Eternal Customer Service Hell – Sinners will spend forever stuck on hold with their internet provider, only to be disconnected the moment a representative answers.
Never-Ending Twitter Wars – Each resident is doomed to engage in a nonstop argument with a tween who has an anime profile picture and never loses.
A Streaming Service With Nothing Good On – The only available films are the biggest box office bombs & failed series of the last half-century, including: Morbius, Cats (2019), Gigli, and every television show is inexplicably missing its last two episodes.
An Infinite TikTok/YouTube Scroll – The algorithm is engineered so that it only serves cringey dances and horribly misinformed conspiracy theories.
A Sub-Circle for People Who Clap at the End of Movies or When Airliners Land – Just pure, unrelenting suffering.
Hell’s Climate Crisis
Compounding the problem of over-crowding, Hell has reportedly been experiencing record-breaking heatwaves due to rising global temperatures. Some demons have even expressed concerns about Hell becoming too hot to function.
“Look, it’s always been hot here,” said Satan, addressing allegations that Hell has become unsustainably warm. “Climate change? Come on. This is just a natural cycle in Hell. The heatwaves, which are hotter than a snake in a West Texas wagon rut, have nothing to do with us filling an entire new circle with oil executives.”
Meanwhile, a special sub-circle for fossil fuel lobbyists has been constructed, where the damned are forced to drink boiling crude oil while watching live footage of rising sea levels consuming their former beachfront mansions.
Privatisation Concerns & The Future of Hell
The announcement of the Tenth Circle has already drawn interest from a cohort of tech billionaires including: Elon Musk, Peter Thiel, and Vivek Ramaswamy, who have expressed interest in privatising and rebranding Hell as X-Hell™. “Hell’s current model is beyond outdated,” Musk tweeted from the consortium’s official account. “We can optimise eternal damnation by making it more interactive and blockchain-based.”
Sources say his proposal was immediately rejected. “The last thing we need is more suffering,” said Zygax - Chief of Hell’s Soul Harvesting Section.
Despite ongoing bureaucratic challenges, Hell officials say the expansion will allow them to continue providing top-quality suffering for generations to come. “As long as humanity keeps inventing new ways to be awful,” Beelzebub assured reporters, “we’ll keep making room.”
At press time, Satan confirmed that discussions were already underway for an Eleventh Circle, tentatively reserved for people who use LinkedIn like a diary.
I hope that you, the readers of my Substack, enjoy this launch into satire. If it sucks, well, I’m an engineer, there’s a reason people in engineering pursue it. And that’s a full lid!